Jennifer Abidor

The sausage king and his absurd wife Betty (remember her furry shoes from earlier this season) are the smartest characters on this week’s Secret Life. But then again, that’s like saying that Sammi is the most normal one on Jersey Shore…pretty much meaningless.

Nevertheless, they dispense some words of wisdom on a show filled with the most idiotic teenagers on the planet.

You see, Ben went loco this week and attacked Ricky at the meat shop. (Secret life clue edition: The sausage prince did it in the butcher shop with a steak knife?) Bunny fired his ass, even though he’s the effing heir to the sausage throne. Then, Ben hatched his brilliant (read: asinine) plan- marry Adrian to get back at Ricky and Amy, or at least fake an engagement. Here’s where Mr. and Mrs. Sausage come in. The King just about loses it pointing out that his son is a vindictive loser, whereas Betty asks if Ricky is dead and fears that this whole “revenge marriage” thing will spoil their dinner plans. Oh Betty, you cheap little gold-digging whore. We loved you in Legally Blonde. Not so much here.

In other news, the central love quadrangle is only getting bigger, and frankly it’s really incestuous. Amy and Ricky try to keep their NYC weekend on the DL, but of course Amy will tell Lauren and Madison who will tell Jack who will tell Grace who tell Ben. Apparently that is the exact mode of communication in the Secret Life universe. Amy’s in a rare pissy mood…one that can only be cured with foam statue of liberty crowns and pajamas in public. Ricky’s going to “therapy” (the kind of therapy he likes best, if youcatch my drift.) Ashley is monotone and bratty as usual.

And speaking of characters I don’t care about: Lauren and Madison are in trouble for literally sleeping in the same room as their boyfriends. Not even the same beds. Parents, there are at least two preggo teens in your neighborhood…pick your battles. Grace is IN LOVE with Grant. And, in love with “knickers” too. These kids just apparently don’t know what love means. Apparently they looked up the definition in the same dictionary that they looked up “guest house.” The parents are doing… something? I couldn’t care less.

The surprise twist ending is that everyone forgot little Amy’s birthday, in a plot that basically reeks of Sixteen Candles. I mean, you have Molly Ringwald on the show… can you please try and hide your plagiarism a little better, writers? But forgotten birthdays only lead to one thing… dramatic music. Sigh.