Samantha Costanzo

We know her all too well: the BFF who just can’t stop whining about every fictional flaw she manages to find in herself, the teammate who got a job and can’t stop talking about how much she so totally hates her boss, the little sister who drives you insane with her hour-long accounts of the latest Mean Girls wannabes in her class and the drama they’re causing every day.

And how is it, you ask, that we know these oh-so-annoying people? Because they always complain to us, the quiet, nonjudgmental kids who won’t go and gossip about every word that we hear. We’re nice people who care about our friends and would never, ever tell them to shut up, especially when their complaints get so annoying that we just can’t stand them anymore and wish that for just one second we weren’t such good people. Right?

Not even close.

It’s always a good thing to listen to your friends’ issues and try to help them find a solution. That’s what friends do. But when things get out of hand and you realize that you’ve become Cathy Complainer’s go-to gal, it’s time to set her straight.

But how exactly do you tell her that you need a break and the complaining needs to stop without looking like an insensitive jerk? Just follow these three easy (read: easier-said-than-done) steps:

  1. The next time your friend starts complaining, half- jokingly draw attention to the fact that she’s complaining yet again.  “There you go again with the complaints, Cathy! (haha) Come on, there’s got to be something about your new boss that you approve of (haha).” Those (haha)s are crucial, by the way. Do not omit a (haha) under any circumstances, because that could undermine Step 2. Right now you’re using a bit of good-intentioned teasing to ease into the topic of complaining—we’re saving the harder hitting stuff for later.
  1. Now that you’ve got her attention with your playful yet subtle hint, move right into your next line before she can open her mouth for hers by getting a little more serious and suggesting a new solution to her eternal drama: “Seriously Cathy, you’re always complaining to me about everything. Why don’t you just try to solve the issue first? Then if that doesn’t work, tell me about it so that we can come up with a better plan.” This tells her that while you’re willing to help out a little, there’s a limit to your patience. It’s up to her to come up with a solution to the problem or a better way to express her general disapproval of the world. (If you’re feeling brave, Step 2 is where you just tell it like it is: I’m tired of always listening to your complaints).
  1. It’s her turn to talk, so get ready. She could say anything from “I hate you! You don’t even care about me, you insensitive jerk!” (so much for that one) to a meek “Oh. Ok. I’m going to go hide in the corner now and cry.” Most likely, though, she’ll go with “Oh, ok, sorry about that,” and come to realize that you need a break from the complaints and she needs to learn how to deal with life a little more maturely. Don’t push her to sign a blood pact never to complain again or give her an ultimatum– it’s enough that she’s finally starting to get it.

If she doesn’t understand yet (or just chooses not to) the only thing you can do is to just keep telling her you’re done and refusing to get involved. It’s hard, I know, but unless you want to relive all of her drama and misery every day, it’s what you have to do. In the long run, being real with your friends is going to help your relationships with them— and your poor, complaint-ridden ears will benefit quite a bit too.