M. Jason Driscoll

Before agreeing to a “casual lunch”, with what you’ve always considered to be a good friend, you must take into account whose wallet is going to be getting just a bit thinner after dessert.

Ipso facto: if it’s you, you better intercept that dessert menu before it makes its way to the grubby hands of who has now obviously become nothing more than a greedy frenemy. I mean, how good of a friend was she really? She was certainly not worthy of that New York Cheesecake.

So, to avoid what will definitely shove either of you into the early stages of bankruptcy you will enter into a death stare battle royale as the server lays the check down neatly in the exact center of the table. Although alternatively, you can just quick-step to the bathroom as the impending bill inches nearer and nearer, but that can be a bit obvious and there really is no guarantee you will find the check paid in full before you return.

However, if you are not at lunch with a complete ass, a friendly faux fight of sorts will follow the check’s arrival. You will grab the bill with a slight smirk and a wave of the hand and say, “I got this one” and your friend will undoubtedly snatch it from your all too willing hands saying, “No, no, no it’s on me!” At this point the black casing, in which the terrifying slip of paper sits, becomes the object through with you begin to play a half-hearted tug of war in an indescribably generous fashion (all the while each desperately hoping the other wins). It’s imperative to never pull too hard; because the moment it actually falls into your complete grasp you will inevitably slip into one of the lowest lows while smiling the brightest of smiles. Don’t worry you can cry on the way home. Okay, it’s not that bad, but it can be annoying.

Let me break it down for you:

Traditionally, he who invites: pays. At intimate, romantic dinners over candlelight (though that induces minor nausea to me) you better be flush with cash, my friend. Whether it is Mr. Chow’s in New York City or your friendly neighborhood Applebee’s, it doesn’t matter, if you picked up the phone, you’re picking up the tab. Additionally, if you expect to go on a first date and go halfsies, don’t hold your breath for a call back, because your face will turn blue and you’ll die of self asphyxiation. Also of note, perhaps even more so for the career-oriented type, one should always pick up the tab at business or professionally themed lunches, however boring the hopeful client may prove. Believe me; you’ll never gain a patron/special someone after asking them to pick up the check. Just ask Jon Gosselin’s numerous exes…considering he just sold his BMW to make some extra cash, I’m sure he wasn’t paying for those fame-grubbers pretty ladies’ dinners.

Therefore, in non-intimate/non-professional situations you should always “Go Dutch”. Not sure what that means? Well, I’ll tell you! “Going Dutch”, in short, refers to the practice of one paying for what one orders. I mean, in Italy they “pagare alla romana” or “pay like the people of Rome”, in Turkey they “hesabı Alman usulü ödemek” or “pay the bill the German way”, and in some South American countries people “pagar a la Americana” or literally “pay American style”. So, in reality, who the hell knows who we are paying like, but for the sake of us all, let’s just pay for ourselves. If you decide to order three courses and some over-priced drink, dear lord please have the money to back it up. I, myself, will be sticking to the half price menu and will happily refresh myself with some good old fashioned ice water, just saying.