Nicolai Bursuc

Son, it’s time you and I had a talk. You’re young, smart-looking, a brash fellow, and last night I caught you trying to microwave a rotisserie chicken stuffed with Crisco and tissues for God knows what purpose.

Sit down right there on the edge of your bed and let me guide your nubile mind through the joyous world of sexual intercourse, centaur-style.

You see, Mikey, centaurs don’t have to do sinful things with fowl because centaurs have hooves instead of feet. I bet if you had hooves for feet, you’d have a dashing young girlfriend to hold hands with under my supervision and pending my approval. But you don’t. You have acne and you cry when confronted with criticism. Centaurs don’t cry, Mikey, centaurs don’t cry.

Protip One:  Confidence.

The centaur has more abs than you do strands of hair on your already balding head, son. I don’t just mean physical abs (though rest assured they could crush your bony little arms with even the slightest flex) I speak of emotional abs as well.

Yes, the centaur knows that confidence is the first step toward getting sweet, sweet nymph tail. It’s forgetting how to fail, realising that there’s no consequence if you do, and approaching a girl whilst giving the air of a half-man half-horse who knows what he wants out of life.

Self-esteem is the key to confidence, and I’ve noticed you have none of that because I can hear you sighing when you look in a mirror. While I’d sigh too if I were you, I know that there is no “perfect” body-type. The girl you’re approaching likely has the same issues with herself. If you can’t see past your flaws, either concentrate on your virtues or work to change those blemishes into centaur-esque abs through proper diet, exercise, and change of thought.

Protip Two:  Cockiness

The centaur may be confident, but he knows that he doesn’t always have to prove it. He’s got horse legs, and horse legs naturally exude confidence like you exude sweat when walking up a single flight of stairs. Mikey, the centaur knows that cockiness is a dick-move and that it’s okay to cry- something you know all too well.

Don’t play the part of a person you’re not. You’re a chubby little eight year old boy who wrote “mommy” instead of “Bruce Lee” when asked what you wanted to be when you grew up. You’ll likely never be Bruce Lee, and acting like Bruce Lee will only drive away girls who want a genuine person to call their horseboyfriend.

Protip Three: Chillax, Brodozer

Mikey, you cried the last time that I told you that your mother was too drunk to take you to the ice cream store. Now while that may have been my fault for telling you that you’re the reason she was drinking, but I want you to ask yourself one thing: does a centaur cry when he doesn’t get ice cream?

No, son, the centaur does not cry when he doesn’t get ice cream. He’s a mythological creature, and you’re stupid for asking yourself that question.

Being relaxed and carefree makes you more enjoyable to be around. Concentrate on good things and always have a backup plan ready for when the primary falls through. A guy who can manage under stress looks even more confident, and if women love anything it’s the emotional abs of a 1000lb horse-man.

Protip Four: Don’t be Cold

Mikey, I saw that you had ten issues of Glamour and Cosmo stacked in your closet. I also saw that you had the relationship tips highlighted, the main one being “the jerk gets the girl”. Mikey, I am ashamed to call you my son and wish you were not.

Only vain, superficial women with no real value to speak of will fall for a twat. This is somewhat related to the cockiness, but you don’t want to give the girl you’re eyeing the cold shoulder. It doesn’t make you look cool, and you may end up blowing your opportunity to ask her out.

A centaur knows how to love. A single touch sends shivers through your spine and makes you wish you were a teenage nymph in first century BC Athens. A centaur believes that affection breeds affection, apathy breeds apathy. While personal space is good and all, the centaur knows that a lack of affection makes it feel like you’re not even in a relationship. Centaurs are the vice-commandant of the HMS Affection, and maybe if you were more like them I wouldn’t photoshop you out of family portraits.

Protip Five: Don’t be Overly Warm

Centaurs are horse-men of mystery, son. They’ve mastered the art of the tease, and know exactly when to pull back a little and wait for the nymph to yearn for more. Mikey, you sent a girl who once said “hello” three hundred valentine cards and a chocolate bust of her face that smelled like microwave chicken. That’s not how it works.

Most people will be turned off by clinginess, and it’s wise to show that you’re independent. A centaur may text message their nymph every now and then, but they don’t go overboard with the affection because they know it scares people away.

Instead, the centaur matches affection and only initiates hotter moments when it feels right. You send your leftover love-poultry to terrified clerks at the grocery, centaurs send signals that invite warmth- who do you think is going to get the girl in the end?

Yes, Mikey, there is an art to seduction. It’s an art I mastered long ago in Nicosia when I met your mother and she rode me back to my home in the forest. Mikey, I earned your mother’s love because I’m a centaur, and you earned her alcoholism because you’re a failure of a son. Maybe if you followed these tips and were more like me, you wouldn’t need to smuggle dinner away to your bedroom. Maybe if you were a centaur, you wouldn’t be destined to sleep alone for the rest of your life.

That, son, is centaur-style loving, and you honestly believed I was a centaur just now. I am so disappointed in you.

Nicolai is eighteen and lives in Texas. It’s too bloody hot here, and he wishes he had a blender or something to make lemonade.